Publishers Jokes

New Product Announcement

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus PENCIL.

Books on Tape We Don't Want to Hear

The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
The Koran as read by Salman Rushdie
The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
The Godfather as read by John Gotti
Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
Moby Dick as read by Jonah
Crime and Punishment as read by OJ Simpson
A Tale of Two Cities as read by Ed Koch and Rudi Giuliani
The Gulag Archipelago as read by Josef Stalin
Feynman's Lectures On Physics as read by Dan Quayle
The Joy of Cooking as read by Hannibal Lecter
The Wealth of Nations as read by Fidel Castro

"Have you written this poem by yourself?"
"Of course," said the young poet, "Every word of it."
"Well, I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Edgar Allan Poe, I was afraid you are dead for long time."

Top 10 Children's Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.

10. Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
9. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
8. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
7. Babar becomes a Piano
6. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
4. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."

The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
Everything men know about women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.

Anyone who believes you can't change history has never tried to write his memoirs.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book
The English book
The Welsh book
The American book
The Japanese book
The Finnish book
The German book
The Icelandic book
The Canadian book
The Swedish book
The Swiss book
The Israeli book
The Danish book

The Sex Life of the Elephant
Elephants I have Shot on Safari
The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture
How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants
How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants
What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6
Defrosting an Elephant
Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant
The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Elephant and the Jewish Problem
Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

"The Book of Insults"

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

How To Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Salespeople Jokes

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.

Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"100,000 dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"

A voice answers, "A blind salesman."

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"

A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.

The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, "Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders."

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
His lips are moving.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.

"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."

"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when a salesman runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."

A sales manager and an operation manager went bear hunting. While the operation manager stayed in the cabin, the sales manager went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward the sales manager, who started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear jumped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The sales manager jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it

New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

You Might Be a Salesperson if...

you refer to dating as test marketing.
when you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
when you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an "unprecedented performance".
when you describe a product as "maintenance-free" you mean that it is impossible to fix it.
you insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

A guy goes hunting and wants to hire a dog to retrieve the catch.
"I have just the dog for you, sir." says the gamekeeper. "He's called Salesman and he is brilliant" Off they go and every time the hunter shoots a bird the dog runs off and brings the bird back just as he was hired to do; a great success.
The following year, the same guy goes back and asks for Salesman as he was so good last year.
"Ah, I'm sorry, sir, but it won't work anymore. Someone had the bright idea of calling him Sales Manager - now he just sits on his arse and barks all day".

The door to door book salesman ring a bell. The door is opened by an 8 year old lad holding a beer in one hand and a smoldering cigar on the other. After a few seconds to recompose himself the salesman asks:
-Hello young man, is your mama home? The "young man" replies dryly "What do you think"?

Funny side of the world

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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Publishers Jokes

Salespeople Jokes

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