Dismissals - Occupational Puns
When people lose their jobs they may be dismissed, sacked, fired or kicked out; they may be out on their ear or on their neck; they may be shown the door; or they may be given their cards, their marching orders, the push, the elbow, the old heave-ho or the order of the boot.
Some professions, however, have their own individual terminology for this situation: a clergyman may be defrocked, a lawyer disbarred, an army officer cashiered.
Why should not people in other walks of life also have their own terms for dismissal? Thus:
An
office-worker could be defiled.
A salesman could be disordered.
A writer could be described.
A journalist could be depressed.
A botanist could be deflowered.
A wine merchant could be deported.
A traffic warden could be defined.
A cashier could be distilled.
A poet could be diversified.
A celebrity could be defamed.
A cricketer could be detested.
A climber could be dismounted.
A jailer could be excelled.
A policeman could be unwarranted.
A judge could be dishonored.
A bishop could be disgraced.
A model could be deposed.
A neurologist could be unnerved.
An engine-driver could be distrained.
A gambler could be discarded.
A conjuror could be disillusioned.
A prostitute could be delayed.
A Moonie could be dissected.
A Chinese waiter could be disoriented.
A solicitor could be distorted.
A rabble-rouser could be demobbed.
A mathematician could be nonplussed.
A diplomat could be disconsolate.
A salesman could be disordered.
A writer could be described.
A journalist could be depressed.
A botanist could be deflowered.
A wine merchant could be deported.
A traffic warden could be defined.
A cashier could be distilled.
A poet could be diversified.
A celebrity could be defamed.
A cricketer could be detested.
A climber could be dismounted.
A jailer could be excelled.
A policeman could be unwarranted.
A judge could be dishonored.
A bishop could be disgraced.
A model could be deposed.
A neurologist could be unnerved.
An engine-driver could be distrained.
A gambler could be discarded.
A conjuror could be disillusioned.
A prostitute could be delayed.
A Moonie could be dissected.
A Chinese waiter could be disoriented.
A solicitor could be distorted.
A rabble-rouser could be demobbed.
A mathematician could be nonplussed.
A diplomat could be disconsolate.
And here
are some more proposed by Rog (thanks, Rog) :
An investment banker could be distrusted.
A lawyer could be displeased.
A steel worker could be distempered.
An immunologist could be disinfected.
A tax collector could be distributed.
A chef could be distasteful.
A convict could be discriminated.
A barker could be disclaimed.
A fisherman could be despondent.
A cowboy could be deranged.
A skirtmaker could be depleted.
A bully could be demeaned.
A lawyer could be displeased.
A steel worker could be distempered.
An immunologist could be disinfected.
A tax collector could be distributed.
A chef could be distasteful.
A convict could be discriminated.
A barker could be disclaimed.
A fisherman could be despondent.
A cowboy could be deranged.
A skirtmaker could be depleted.
A bully could be demeaned.
A
statistician could be discounted or disfigured.
A butcher could be disjointed or delivered.
An actor could be displayed or departed.
A horseman could be derided or unbridled.
A sorcerer could be dispelled or disenchanted.
A tennis player could be unloved or defaulted.
A banker could be discredited or disinterested.
A hairdresser could be distressed or unlocked.
A politician could be devoted, denominated or disappointed.
An electrician could be delighted or discharged or unearthed.
A musician could be denoted, disbarred, disbanded, decomposed, or disconcerted.
A butcher could be disjointed or delivered.
An actor could be displayed or departed.
A horseman could be derided or unbridled.
A sorcerer could be dispelled or disenchanted.
A tennis player could be unloved or defaulted.
A banker could be discredited or disinterested.
A hairdresser could be distressed or unlocked.
A politician could be devoted, denominated or disappointed.
An electrician could be delighted or discharged or unearthed.
A musician could be denoted, disbarred, disbanded, decomposed, or disconcerted.
The Devil's Dictionary
The Devil's Dictionary, by the misanthropic American journalist Ambrose Bierce, was first published in 1911, based on newspaper columns he had written between 1881 and 1906.
Some examples of Bierce's jaundiced definitions:
Acquaintance
A person whom we
know well enough to borrow from , but not well enough to lend to. A degree of
friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he
is rich or famous.
Admiration
Our polite
recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Backbite
To speak of a man
as you find him when he can't find you.
Belladonna
In Italian, a
beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the
essential identity of the two tongues.
Benevolence
Subscribing five
dollars towards the relief of one's aged grandfather in the almshouse, and
publishing it in the newspaper.
Bore
A person who talks
when you wish him to listen.
Evangelist
A bearer of good
tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own
salvation and the damnation of our neighbours.
History
An account mostly false, of events mostly
unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers
mostly fools.
Monday
In Christian
countries, the day after the baseball game.
Opportunity
A favourable
occasion for grasping a disappointment.
Pessimism
A philosophy forced
upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the
optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
Ponderous
British jokes.
Positive
Mistaken at the top
of one's voice.
Zeal
A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
Fearsome Phobias
What Are You Afraid Of?
If you have an irrational fear
of...
|
You're suffering from...
|
Accidents
|
Dystychophobia
|
Air (and drafts)
|
Aerophobia, airphobia, pneumatophobia
|
Airplanes
|
Aeronausiphobia
|
Amnesia
|
Amnesiphobia
|
Animals
|
Zoophobia
|
Animals, wild
|
Agrizoophobia
|
Ants
|
Myrmecophobia
|
Atomic energy (or nuclear weapons)
|
Nucleomitophobia
|
Automobiles
|
Motorphobia, ochophobia
|
Automobiles (riding in)
|
Amaxophobia
|
Bad men
|
Scelerophobia
|
Bald,
becoming
|
Peladophobia, phalacrophobia
|
Bathing
|
Ablutophobia
|
Beards
|
Pogonophobia
|
Bed, going to
|
Clinophobia
|
Bees
|
Apiphobia, apiophobia, melissophobia
|
Birds
|
Ornithophobia
|
Blood
|
Hematophobia, hemaphobia, hemophobia
|
Blushing
|
Erythophobia, ereuthophobia
|
Books
|
Bibliophobia
|
Bound, being
|
Merinthophobia
|
Body odor
|
Bromidrosiphobia
|
Bridges, crossing
|
Gephyrophobia, gephydrophobia
|
Bulls
|
Taurophobia
|
Buried alive, bing
|
Taphephobia, taphophobia
|
Cancer
|
Carcinophobia, carcinomatophobia, cancerphobia,
cancerophobia
|
Cats
|
Ailorphobia, aelurophobia, elurophobia, gatophobia,
galeophobia, felinophobia
|
Celts
|
Celtophobia
|
Cemeteries
|
Coimetrophobia
|
Changes
|
Tropophobia
|
Chickens
|
Alektorophobia
|
Childbirth
|
Maieusiophobia, tocophobia
|
Children
|
Pediophobia
|
China (or the Chinese)
|
Sinophobia
|
Chins
|
Geniophobia
|
Choking (or smothering)
|
Pnigophobia, pnigerophobia
|
Church
|
Ecclesiophobia
|
Clergymen
|
Hierophobia
|
Closed spaces
|
Claustrophobia, cleisiophobia, cleithrophobia,
clithrophobia
|
Clothing
|
Vestiophobia
|
Clouds
|
Nephophobia
|
Cold
|
Cheimaphobia, cheimatophobia, psychrophobia, frigophobia
|
Colors
|
Chromophobia, chromatophobia
|
Comets
|
Cometophobia
|
Constipation
|
Coprostasophobia
|
Contamination
|
Misophobia, mysophobia, molysmophobia, molysomophobia
|
Corpses
|
Necrophobia
|
Crowds
|
Ochlophobia, demophobia, enochlophobia
|
Crucifixes
|
Staurophobia
|
Cyclones
|
Anemophobia
|
Dampness
|
Hygrophobia
|
Dancing
|
Chorophobia
|
Darkness
|
Achluophobia, scotophobia, lygophobia, myctophobia
|
Dawn
|
Eosophobia
|
Death
|
Thanatophobia
|
Decaying matter
|
Septophobia
|
Decisions, making
|
Decidophobia
|
Defecation (painful)
|
Defecalgesiophobia
|
Deformity
|
Dysmorphophobia
|
Demons, spirits, goblins, etc.
|
Demonophobia, daemonophobia, bogyphobia
|
Depth
|
Bathophobia
|
Dining (or dinner
conversation)
|
Deipnophobia
|
Dirty, being
|
Automysophobia
|
Disease
|
Nosophobia, pathophobia, panthophobia, nephophobia
|
Disorder
|
Ataxiophobia, ataxophobia
|
Dizziness
|
Dinophobia
|
Iatrophobia
|
|
Dogs (or rabies)
|
Cynophobia, kynophobia
|
Dolls (or infants)
|
Pedophobia, paedophobia
|
Double vision
|
Diplopiaphobia
|
Drink (alcoholic)
|
Potophobia, dipsophobia, alcoholophobia, dipsomanophobia
|
Drugs (medicinal)
|
Pharmacophobia
|
Dryness (and dry places)
|
Xerophobia
|
Dust
|
Amathophobia, koniophobia
|
Eating
|
Phagophobia
|
Electricity
|
Electrophobia
|
England (or the English)
|
Anglophobia
|
Everything
|
Pantophobia, panophobia, panphobia, pamphobia
|
Excrement
|
Coprophobia, scatophobia
|
Eyes
|
Ommatophobia, ommetaphobia
|
Eyes, opening one's
|
Optophobia
|
Failure
|
Kakorrhaphiophobia, kakorraphiaphobia, atychiphobia
|
Fatigue
|
Ponophobia, kopophobia
|
Fearing
|
Phobophobia
|
Feathers
|
Pteronophobia
|
Fever
|
Febriphobia, pyrexeophobia, pyrexiophobia
|
Filth
|
Rhypophobia, rypophobia, rupophobia
|
Fire
|
Pyrophobia, arsonophobia
|
Ichthyophobia
|
|
Flashes
|
Selaphobia
|
Flogging
|
Mastigophobia
|
Floods
|
Antlophobia
|
Flowers
|
Anthophobia
|
Flutes
|
Aulophobia, autophobia
|
Flying
|
Aviatophobia
|
Fog
|
Homichlophobia, nebulaphobia
|
Food
|
Sitophobia, sitiophobia, cibophobia
|
Foreigners (or strangers)
|
Xenophobia
|
Forests (or wood)
|
Hylephobia, hylophobia, ylophobia, xylophobia
|
France (or the
French)
|
Francophobia, Gallophobia
|
Freedom
|
Eleutherophobia
|
Frogs (and toads)
|
Batrachophobia
|
Fur
|
Doraphobia
|
Gaiety
|
Cherophobia
|
Garlic
|
Alliumphobia
|
Genitals, female
|
Kolpophobia, eurotophobia
|
Genitals, male
|
Phallophobia
|
Germany (or Germans)
|
Germanophobia, Teutophobia, Teutonophobia
|
Germs
|
Bacillophobia, bacteriophobia
|
Ghosts
|
Phasmophobia
|
Glass
|
Crystallophobia, hyalophobia, hyelophobia, nelophobia
|
Glass bottoms
|
Hyalinopygophobia
|
God
|
Theophobia
|
Gold
|
Aurophobia
|
Good news
|
Euphobia
|
Gravity
|
Barophobia
|
Greece (or the Greeks)
|
Grecophobia
|
Growing old
|
Gerascophobia
|
Hair
|
Trichophobia, chaetophobia
|
Hair disease
|
Trichopathophobia
|
Heart attack
|
Anginophobia
|
Heart disease
|
Cardiophobia
|
Heat
|
Thermophobia
|
Heaven
|
Uranophobia, ouranophobia
|
Heights
|
Acrophobia, altophobia, hypsophobia, hypsiphobia
|
Hell
|
Hadephobia, stygiophobia
|
Hereditary disease
|
Patroiophobia
|
High places, looking up at
|
Anablepophobia
|
Holy things
|
Hagiophobia, hierophobia
|
Home
|
Ecophobia, oecophobia, oikophobia, domatophobia
|
Home, returning to
|
Nostophobia
|
Homosexuals
|
Homophobia
|
Horses
|
Hippophobia
|
Hospitals
|
Nosocomephobia
|
Hurricanes
|
Lilapsophobia
|
Ice
|
Cryophobia
|
Ideas
|
Ideophobia
|
Imperfection
|
Atelophobia
|
Infants
|
Pedophobia, paedophobia
|
Infinity
|
Apeirophobia
|
Injury
|
Traumatophobia
|
Insanity
|
Maniaphobia, lyssophobia
|
Insects
|
Entomophobia
|
Insect stings
|
Cnidophobia
|
Itching
|
Acarophobia
|
Jealousy
|
Zelophobia
|
Jews
|
Judophobia, Jaudaeophobia, Judeophobia
|
Jumping (from low or high places)
|
Catapedaphobia
|
Justice
|
Dikephobia
|
Kidney disease
|
Albuminurophobia
|
Kissing
|
Philemaphobia, philematophobia
|
Knives (and other sharp instruments)
|
Aichmophobia
|
Lakes
|
Limnophobia
|
Large objects
|
Megalophobia
|
Laughter
|
Gelophobia
|
Learning
|
Sophophobia
|
Left (things to the left)
|
Levophobia, sinistrophobia
|
Lice
|
Pediculophobia, phthiriophobia
|
Light
|
Photophobia
|
Lightning
|
Astraphobia, astrapophobia
|
Love
|
Philophobia
|
Love-play
|
Sarmassophobia, malaxophobia
|
Machinery
|
Mechanophobia
|
Magic
|
Rhabdophobia
|
Many things
|
Polyphobia
|
Marriage
|
Gamophobia, gametophobia
|
Meat
|
Carnophobia
|
Men
|
Androphobia, arrhenophobia
|
Menstruation
|
Menophobia
|
Meteors (and meteorites)
|
Meteorophobia
|
Mice
|
Musophobia, muriphobia
|
Mind
|
Psychophobia
|
Mirrors
|
Catoptrophobia, eisoptrophobia, spectrophobia
|
Monotony
|
Homophobia
|
Monsters (or giving birth to a monster)
|
Teratophobia
|
Moon
|
Selenophobia
|
Mother-in-law
|
Pentheraphobia
|
Motion
|
Kinesophobia, kinetophobia
|
Music
|
Musicophobia, melophobia
|
Narrow places
|
Stenophobia
|
Neglect of a duty
|
Paralipophobia
|
Night
|
Noctiphobia, nyctophobia
|
Noise
|
Acoustiphobia, ligyrophobia
|
Northen Lights
|
Auroraphobia
|
Nuclear weapons (or atomic energy)
|
Nucleomitophobia
|
Nudity
|
Gymnophobia, nudophobia, nudiphobia
|
Numbers
|
Arithmophobia
|
Novelty
|
Kainophobia, cainophobia, kaintotophobia, cainotophobia
|
Odors
|
Olfactophobia, osmophobia, osphresiophobia, ophresiophobia
|
Open spaces
|
Agoraphobia, cenophobia, kenophobia
|
Opinions (others')
|
Allodoxaphobia
|
Opposite sex
|
Sexophobia
|
Pain
|
Algophobia, odynophobia
|
Paper
|
Papyrophobia
|
Parasites
|
Parasitophobia
|
Parents-in-law
|
Soceraphobia
|
Peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth
|
Arachibutyrophobia
|
People
|
Anthropophobia
|
Performing (stage fright)
|
Topophobia
|
Pins and needles
|
Belonephobia, enetophobia
|
Plants
|
Botanophobia
|
Pleasure
|
Hedonophobia
|
Poetry
|
Metrophobia
|
Poison
|
Toxiphobia, toxophobia, toxicophobia, iophobia
|
Politicians
|
Politicophobia
|
Pope (or the Papacy)
|
Papaphobia
|
Poverty
|
Peniaphobia
|
Precipices
|
Cremnophobia
|
Progress
|
Prosophobia
|
Propriety
|
Orthophobia
|
Prostitutes
|
Cyprianophobia
|
Punishment
|
Poinephobia
|
Purple
|
Porphyrophobia
|
Railroads
|
Siderodromophobia
|
Rain
|
Ombrophobia, pluviophobia
|
Rape
|
Virgivitiphobia
|
Red (or blushing)
|
Erythrophobia, ereuthrophobia
|
Relatives
|
Syngenesophobia
|
Religious ceremonies
|
Teletophobia
|
Reptiles
|
Batrachophobia
|
Responsibility
|
Hypengyophobia, hypegiaphobia
|
Ridicule
|
Catagelophobia, katagelophobia
|
Right (things to the right)
|
Dextrophobia
|
Rivers
|
Potamophobia
|
Rods, being beaten with
|
Rhabdophobia
|
Ruin
|
Atephobia
|
Russia (or Russians)
|
Russophobia
|
Rust
|
Lophobia
|
Scratched, being
|
Amychophobia
|
Sea
|
Thalassophobia
|
Semen
|
Spermatophobia, spermophobia
|
Sermons
|
Homilophobia
|
Sexual abuse
|
Agraphobia, contrectophobia
|
Sexual intercourse
|
Coitophobia, genophobia, erotophobia
|
Shadows
|
Sciophobia, sciaphobia
|
Sharp objects
|
Aichmophobia
|
Shellfish
|
Ostraconophobia
|
Shock
|
Hormephobia
|
Shot, being
|
Ballistophobia
|
Sin (or sinning)
|
Hamartophobia, harmatophobia, enissophobia, enosiophobia,
peccatiphobia, peccatophobia
|
Sitting
|
Thaassophobia, kathisophobia, cathisophobia
|
Sleep
|
Hypnophobia
|
Slime
|
Blennophobia, myxophobia
|
Small objects
|
Microphobia, tapinophobia
|
Smothering (or choking)
|
Pnigophobia, pnigerophobia
|
Snakes
|
Ophidiophobia, ophiophobia, ophiciophobia, herpetophobia
|
Snow
|
Chionophobia
|
Society
|
Sociophobia
|
Solitude
|
Autophobia, eremiophobia,
eremophobia, ermitophobia, monophobia, isolophobia
|
Sourness
|
Acerophobia, acerbophobia
|
Speed
|
Tachophobia
|
Spiders
|
Arachnophobia
|
Stairs
|
Climacophobia
|
Standing
|
Stasiphobia, stasophobia
|
Stared at, being
|
Scopophobia, scoptophobia, ophthalmophobia
|
Stars
|
Astrophobia, siderophobia
|
Staying single
|
Anuptaphobia
|
Stepfather
|
Vitricophobia
|
Stepmother
|
Novercaphobia
|
Strangers (or foreigners)
|
Xenophobia
|
Streets
|
Agyiophobia, agyrophobia
|
Streets, crossing
|
Dromophobia
|
String
|
Linonophobia
|
Stuttering
|
Psellismophobia
|
Sunlight
|
Heliophobia, phengophobia
|
Surgery
|
Tomophobia
|
Symmetry
|
Symmetrophobia
|
Talking
|
Glossophobia, phonophobia, laliophobia, lalophobia
|
Tapeworms
|
Taeniophobia, teniophobia
|
Tastes, unfamiliar
|
Geumophobia, geumaphobia, geumatophobia
|
Technology
|
Technophobia
|
Teeth
|
Odontophobia
|
Termites
|
Isopterophobia
|
Theaters
|
Theatrophobia
|
Thieves
|
Kleptophobia, cleptophobia, harpaxophobia
|
Thinking
|
Phronemophobia
|
Thirteen
|
Terdekaphobia, tridecaphobia, triskaidekaphobia
|
Thunder
|
Brontophobia, brontephobia, tonitrophobia, tonitruphobia
|
Thunder and lightning
|
Keraunophobia, ceraunophobia
|
Time
|
Chronophobia
|
Toads (and frogs)
|
Batrachophobia
|
Tombstones
|
Placophobia
|
Tornadoes
|
Lilapsophobia
|
Touched, being
|
Haphephobia, aphephobia,
haptephobia, haptophobia, hapnophobia, thixophobia
|
Travel
|
Hodophobia
|
Trees
|
Dendrophobia
|
Trembling
|
Tremophobia
|
Undressing in front of someone
|
Dishabillophobia
|
Urinating
|
Urophobia
|
Vegetables
|
Lachanophobia
|
Virginity, losing one's
|
Primeisodophobia, esodophobia
|
Virgins
|
Parthenophobia
|
Void
|
Kenophobia
|
Vomiting
|
Emetophobia
|
Waits, long
|
Macrophobia
|
Walking
|
Basiphobia, basophobia, bathmophobia, ambulophobia
|
Wasps
|
Spheksophobia
|
Water
|
Hydrophobia, aquaphobia
|
Waves
|
Cymophobia
|
Weakness
|
Asthenophobia
|
Wealth
|
Chrematophobia, chrometophobia
|
Weight, gaining
|
Obesophobia, pocrescophobia
|
Whirlpools
|
Dinophobia
|
Wind
|
Anemophobia, anemiaphobia, ancraophobia
|
Wine
|
Oenophobia, oinophobia
|
Women
|
Gynephobia, gynophobia, feminophobia
|
Women, beautiful
|
Venustaphobia
|
Words
|
Logophobia, verbophobia
|
Work
|
Ergasiophobia, ergophobia
|
Worms
|
Vermiphobia, scoleciphobia
|
Worms, being infested with
|
Helminthophobia
|
Wrinkles, getting
|
Rhytiphobia
|
Writing
|
Graphophobia
|
X-rays
|
Radiophobia
|
Young girls
|
Parthenophobia
|
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