SEASON'S GREETINGS!
The recent
announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer
retirement package has
triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about
other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer
downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled
for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who
summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the
slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to
inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still
counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest
possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from
the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into
the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring,
today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:
The partridge will be
retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It
will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance.
The two turtle doves
represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their
romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore
eliminated.
The three French
hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling
birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting
option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they talked.
The five golden
rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio
based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six
geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long
been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in
the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on
every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven
swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function
is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will
be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
As you know, the
eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process
may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing
has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these
individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping
is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air
travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping
and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A
substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms
will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a
substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses.
Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be
improved.
Action is pending
regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").
Lastly, it is not beyond
consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to
scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
Twas the Computer Before Christmas
Twas the night
before Christmas, when all throug the house
not a peripheral was
stirring, not even the mouse.
The stockings were
hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that new software soon would be there.
The children were
nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of the Internet danced in their
heads.
And Mama in her
rollers, and I with a nightcap, had just settled our brains for a long winter's
nap.
When out on the Net
there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the monitor
I flew like a flash, opened the menu, and threw away hard earned cash.
When what to my
wondering eyes should appear, but an Internet website and eight links far and
near.
With a hardware
driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must do the trick.
More rapid than
eagles, the errors they came, my webserver problems no longer a pain?
Now Egghead! Now
Best Buy! Now, Shop-ko and K-Mart!
On Daltons! On Waldens! On, Kohls and on Wal-Mart!
To the top of the
porch! To the top of the wall!
Now spend your cash!
Spend your cash! Spend your cash all!
As dry leaves that
before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the
sky but up to my hard-drive the problems they flew, with a disk full of errors
and CD-Roms, too!
And then in a
twinkling, I heard a wave file. with a beep and a buzz I knew I'd be waiting
awhile!
As I rolled up my
eyes and was turning around, a virtual St. Nicholas appeared with a bound.
Electronically
dressed in fur, from head to foot, his clothes were all tarnished with virtual
ashes and soot.
A bundle of software
he had flung on his back, and he looked like a salesman just opening his pack.
His VGA eyes
twinkled! His paintbrush dimples merry!
His pantone cheeks
were like roses, his nose a cherry!
His downloaded mouth
was drawn up like a bow, and his bitmap beard was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe
he held tight in his teeth, and virtual smoke encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a GUI face
and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of
jelly.
He was drafted in
graphics, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of
myself.
A wink of his eye
and a twist of his headsoon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
but went straight to his work, and fixed all my fatal errors, then turned with
a jerk.
And laying a finger
aside of his face, and giving a nod, to the hard-drive he raced.
He into the mist of
hidden files obsessed, disappeared until next year his function keys pressed.
But I heard him
exclaim, ere he blinked out of sight, Happy Christmas to all, and a web site good
night!
Toys at Christmas
'Twas the night
before Christmas when all through the house,I searched for the tools to hand to
my spouse.
The children were
quiet (not asleep) in their beds,while Mom and I faced the evening with dread:a
kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to
Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat....let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
When what to my
worrying eyes should appear,but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not
clear,with each part numbered and every slot named,so if we failed, only we
could be blamed.
More rapid than
eagles the parts then fell out,all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it!
Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats,
and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves,
and nail to the stand."
"Dearest"
said Mom, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a
twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to
keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required"
till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word,
but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all
hurt.
The coffee went cold
and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the
tools away in the chest,we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my
wife just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without
any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll
cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did
it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to
dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's
something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that
BATTERIES are never included!
25 Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas
1. Claim you were a
Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room,
scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.
3. Wear a Santa suit
all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner
in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is
coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe
in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one
on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking
with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he
asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose
red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on
the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation
out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in
Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All
I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your
roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a
snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come
to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your
roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen,
etc."
14. Tear down all
your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every
morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my
soul!"
16. Tell your
roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a poinsettia
to your lapel.
18. Make
anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
19. Put on a fake
white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a
yank."
20. Ring jingle
bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his
wings."
21. Stand in front
of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over
in your underwear.
22. Smoke
mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your
roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when
you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life
size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell
him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
25.When your
roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that
Santa's elves must have done it.
Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like
10. Hey! There's a
gift!
9. Well, well, well
...
8. Boy, if I had not
recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect
for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this
never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained
fires.
5. If the dog buries
it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but
I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
2. To think -- I got
this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. "I really
don't deserve this."
