Showing posts with label lecture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lecture. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
INTRODUCTION:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help you determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you, or listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you think you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the nerdity testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response, we came up with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current nerdity quotient (from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile of sludge unable to communicate with anything human except through a device that is a miracle of modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to the outside world is through the computer internet system.
Survey for nerds
INTRODUCTION:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help
you determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you,
or listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you
think you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the
nerdity testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In
response, we came up with this test. By taking it, you will determine your
current nerdity quotient (from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to
a pile of sludge unable to communicate with anything human except through a
device that is a miracle of modern medicine and engineering, and whose only
connection to the outside world is through the computer internet system.
GRADING:
As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high concentrations of
known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that someone who has
never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0% nerd. However, once
such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed in the 100% nerdity
category. This is done because it is also assumed that only a true geek would
utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!? What a stupid concept!
I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that." The values in between are
determined by taking the test and scoring it as follows.
For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or
"true", take one point. At the end of the test, divide the total
number of points you scored by the total number of questions in the test. Treat
this number as a percentage that represents your nerdity quotient.
Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What is
contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to the
given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as
suggestions that might apply.
All technicalities count - after all, being technical is half of what being a
nerd is all about.
RECOMMENDATIONS and HINTS:
It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with your
answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal
catharsis of what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of
nerdity) and each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this
way, errors due to lying or personal oversight are avoided and the test also
has a therapeutic effect for the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned
about others should be treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that
we don't want others to know about.
Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal
sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as well
as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you
ever..." while others are "do you now...". The former register
the fact that you have a propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge
the fact that you are currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the
"do you now" type questions change, so will your nerd quotient.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book. Shake
well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all work. Refrigerate
after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table of useful formulas is
included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!
SECTION 1: Education and Schooling
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ...at the college level?
3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?
5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
6. ...at the college level?
7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering,
physics chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Have you ever given a lecture?
16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own? (i.e.
experimental proof)
19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?
20. ...when you didn't have to?
21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equation than the
text did)
22. Do you take notes in more than one color?
23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)
24. Have you ever tutored someone else?
25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?
28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?
29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"
30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?
31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?
32. Did you win?
33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?
34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I would
get in"?
35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
SECTION 2: Knowledge
37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
39. Can you count in Roman numerals?
40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
43. ...for fun?
44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?
45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?
46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? (fruit fly,
human being)
48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?
50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?
51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?
52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the name of the
element they represent?
53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?
54. Are you bilingual?
55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?
56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to alcohol
when it is consumed by a human?
57. ...while drunk?
58. Do you know how your car's engine works?
59. Have you ever interpolated?
60. Have you ever extrapolated?
61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
62. Have you ever integrated numerically?
63. ...and known the result ahead of time?
64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?
65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?
66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?
67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty
Python?
68. Do you own an encyclopedia?
69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?
71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?
72. Can you program the time on a VCR?
73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?
74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard
copy"?
79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?
80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?
81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for. Note: it may be
useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym stands for as your
interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being sought after.
82. ...RADAR?
83. ...MODEM?
84. ...RAM?
85. ...DNA?
86. ...ATP?
87. ...NADP?
88. ...CRT?
89. ...CRC?
90. ...STP?
91. ...NORAD?
92. ...NASA?
93. ...MUD?
94. ...LED?
95. ...AI?
96. ...LASER?
97. ...RPG?
98. ...TLA?
99. ...SCUBA?
100. ...WYSIWYG?
101. ...DAT?
102. ...PINE?
103. ...JOVE?
104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?
105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you
can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units
attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
106. gravitational constant? (G)
107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)
108. mass of an electron?
109. charge of an electron?
110. speed of light in vacuum?
111. speed of sound at STP?
112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
115. Avogadro's number?
116. molar gas constant?
117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits of
pi in the room.
119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)
120. ...centimeters and inches?
121. ...kilometers and miles?
122. ...joules and electron-volts?
123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?
125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?
126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?
127. ...AU and light years?
128. ...light years and parsecs?
129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone else's
answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true. (e.g. "you nob!
Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")
130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference
book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true. (e.g.
"AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")
SECTION 3: Computers
131. Have you ever used a computer?
132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?
133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?
134. ...past 4 a.m.?
135. ...as a source of income?
136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?
138. ...for money?
139. ...in the last 24 hours?
140. ...in the last half hour?
141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
142. ...in the last three months?
143. ...in the last three weeks?
144. Have you ever programmed a computer?
145. ...to write a computer game?
146. ...to write a computer virus?
147. ...to write a shell script?
148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM? (e.g. Commodore
64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)
149. ...that is still in working condition?
150. ...and still buy software for it?
151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?
152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?
153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?
154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?
Have you ever used a ...
155. mouse?
156. hard disk drive?
157. light-pen?
158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?
159. track-ball?
160. ...for something other than a video game?
161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)
162. modem?
163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?
164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?
165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?
166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?
167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?
168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand
copywritten)
169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?
170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a
fee be sent to them for its use)
171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?
172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?
173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?
174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)
176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)
177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?
178. Do you have an electronic mail address?
179. ...more than one e-mail address?
180. Have you ever sent e-mail?
181. ...to yourself?
182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?
183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?
184. ...in the last week?
185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?
186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?
187. Have you ever FTP'd?
188. ...anonymously?
189. Have you ever uploaded?
190. Have you ever downloaded?
191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)
192. Have you ever set up a kill file?
193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?
194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?
195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on logging
unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)
196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS? (e.g. alias dir
ls)
197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?
198. ...in the last week?
199. Have you posted to USENET?
200. ...and gotten a response?
201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?
202. ...and gotten a "flame"?
Have you ever posted to...
203. ...a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)
204. ...a sex news group? (alt.sex)
205. ...talk.bizarre?
206. ...rec.humor?
207. ...a sci. or science-related news group?
208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?
209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?
210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?
211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?
212. ...in the last week?
213. ...today?
214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?
215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's,
etc.?
216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?
217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?
218. Have you ever built a computer?
219. ...from chips?
220. Do you have a favorite computer language?
221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?
Which of the following computer languages do you know...
222. ...BASIC?
223. ...PASCAL?
224. ...FORTRAN?
225. ...assembly language?
226. ...C?
227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?
228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?
229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address for
computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)
230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?
231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?
232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)
233. Have you ever spoken internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)
234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order
to work on the computer?
235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better
computer system than you?
SECTION 4: Possessions
236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?
237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?
238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?
239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?
240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?
241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?
242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?
243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?
244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
245. Do you own an atlas?
246. Do you own a globe?
247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
249. ...that lights up?
250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?
251. ...and have them on display?
252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)
253. Have you ever faxed something?
254. Have you ever received a fax?
255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?
258. Do you own a slide rule?
259. ...and know how to use it?
260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?
261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)
262. Do you own a pencil case?
263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?
264. ...and have refills for it?
265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?
266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)
268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
269. Do you own a table of integrals?
270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for
personal use?
SECTION 5: Leisure Time
271. Have you ever taken something apart?
272. ...and put it back together correctly?
273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?
274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?
275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?
276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?
277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly
instructions?
278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it
apart to "see how it works"?
279. Have you ever rewired something?
280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
281. ...since leaving high school?
282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)
283. ...in the last six months?
284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?
285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?
286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?
287. Have you ever dissected something?
288. ...while not involved in a biology class?
289. Do you play chess?
290. Were you ever on a chess team?
291. ...on a math team?
292. ...on a debate team?
293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?
295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?
296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking up
members of the opposite sex?
297. Were you ever in a science fair?
298. ...that you placed in the top three?
299. Are you a member of Mensa?
300. Have you ever made a technical joke?
301. ...in the last week?
302. ...that no one around you understood?
303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?
304. ...that everyone around you understood?
305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?
SECTION 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys
306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?
308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
309. Do you own an oscilloscope?
310. Have you ever used a microscope?
311. Do you own a microscope?
312. Have you ever used a telescope?
313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?
314. Do you own a voltmeter?
315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
316. Do you own a CB radio?
317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?
318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?
319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?
320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
321. ...since the age of 13?
322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
323. Do you own a slinky?
324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?
325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
327. ...without using the book?
328. ...in less than two minutes?
329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations a
Rubik's Cube can have?
SECTION 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies
330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?
331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)
332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
333. ...voluntarily?
334. ...in the last three weeks?
335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?
Have you ever watched a complete episode of...
336. ...Dr. Who?
337. ...Battlestar Galactica?
338. ...Space: 1999?
339. ...Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
340. ...Gilligan's Island?
341. ...Flintstones?
342. ...The Brady Bunch?
343. ...The Jetson's?
344. ...The Addam's Family?
344. ...Dobbie Gillis?
346. ...I Dream of Genie?
347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more
than once?
348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
349. ...in one 24 hour period?
350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically
impossible" (due to Newton's
laws, etc.)?
SECTION 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines
Have you ever read anything by...
351. ...Douglas Adams?
352. ...Isaac Asimov?
353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?
354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
355. ...Piers Anthony?
356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)
359. ...Stephen Hawkings?
360. ...Carl Sagan?
361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what
you, as an intelligent person, should know"?
362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics made
popular?
363. Do you read books on a daily basis?
364. Have you finished a book in the last week?
365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?
366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?
367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?
Do you have magazine subscriptions to...
368. ...Popular Mechanics?
369. ...Popular Science?
370. ...Omni?
371. ...Scientific America?
372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)
373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?
374. ...Discover?
375. ...any medical journals? (New England
Journal of Medicine)
376. ...any science periodicals?
377. ...National Geographic?
378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy
Metal)
SECTION 9: Star Trek
379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
381. ...in one 48 hour period?
382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The
Original Series), "TNG" (The Next Generation) and "DS9"
(Deep Space 9) or similar?
383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?
384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?
385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?
386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?
387. ...in the last six months?
388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?
389. ...and worn them in public?
SECTION 10: Clothing and Apparel
390. Are your socks unmatched?
391. Do you own a digital watch?
392. ...that plays music?
393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?
394. ...that has a calculator built in?
395. Do you own a pocket protector?
396. ...and are you wearing it?
397. Do you have acne?
398. Do you have greasy hair?
399. ...without realizing it?
400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (e.g.
t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
401. ...which you still wear from time to time?
402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?
403. ...while not in the laboratory?
404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away in fear?
405. Are your pants too short?
406. Does your underwear have your name in it?
407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save time
when dressing because "everything goes together"?
410. Do you wear glasses?
411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)
412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
414. Do your glasses weigh more than one pound?
SECTION 11: Personality and Lifestyle
415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)
416. ...for more than one day in a row?
417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)
Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep?
418. ...Caffeine?
419. ...exercise?
420. ...Vivarin?
421. ...NoDoz?
422. ...something you made in chem. lab?
423. ...something you found in chem. lab?
424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?
425. ...in the last 3 months?
426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?
427. Have you worked in a research lab?
428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?
429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)
430. ...and not been bored?
431. Are you socially inept?
432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?
433. Do you talk to yourself?
434. ...when other people are around?
435. Do you talk to imaginary people?
436. ...do they talk back?
437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?
438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)
440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see to pass
the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)
441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?
442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events?
(ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)
443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.
444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)
447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?
448. ...do you like it that way?
449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?
450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?
451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?
452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?
453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?
454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?
455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in a
"JEOPARDY" contestant?
456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
457. ...while not drunk?
458. ...while alone?
459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?
460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?
461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?
462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as a
factual reference to support your claim?
463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light,
it'll appear green."
464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific
theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)
465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of talking
about non-technical topics?
466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the
popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)
467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)
468. ...for sexual purposes?
469. ...and had some degree of success?
470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?
471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)
472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?
473. Did the object also have a "personality"?
474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists? (Einstein vs. Newton,
etc.)
475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was
better?
476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's is
better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)
477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious scientific
paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)
478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?
479. ...in the last two weeks?
480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?
481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?
482. ...in the last month?
483. ...today?
SECTION 12: The Nerd Test
484. Are you taking this test alone?
485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?
486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?
487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to score
the test?
488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?
489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or
tabulate questions found on this test?
490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100% nerd
and deducting for each 'no'?)
491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?
492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score to
prove you are a nerd?
493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?
494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?
495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?
496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?
497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on
this test (or were contemplating it)?
498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?
499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
Please put your pencils down. That's it! Hope you enjoyed it!
To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of
"yes/true" responses by the total number of questions and compare to
this list.
Ranking:
0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe
21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training
31 - 35 Closet nerd
36 - 40 You dress like people in Walmart ads
41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service
46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help
51 - 55 YOU need some serious help
56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees
61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip
66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes
71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils
76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child
81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology
86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain
91 - 99 Move over, Einstein
100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Funny One Liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
He who hesitates is boss.
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never.
Professors Fun
50 fun things for professors to do on the
first day of class...
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending
"Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and
scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you,
you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your
piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a
stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk,
tsk."
9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your
butt looks fat.
11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the
next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as "worm."
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.
22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as
you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank,
and serial number.
24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several
minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed
normally.
27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your
hands.
28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."
30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask
students to "sit back and groove."
31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays.
Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question,
walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."
35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number
system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the
number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.
39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks"
every ten minutes.
41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk."
42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in
rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture
to oral hygiene.
44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for
next class.
45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in you grade book.
46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.
48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their
distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I
picked up in the field."
50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"
Marriage Is...
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"
Funny Jokes about and by men, husband
Few men know how
to dress well, and the rest like women.
____________________________________________________________
If a man speaks his mind in a forest, but no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
If a man speaks his mind in a forest, but no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
________________________________________________________________
Doc to a patient:
- How did this happened?
- My wife kicked me out...
- But it's not worth it to jump out of 2nd floor.
- Doc, you didn't understand me. She kicked me out, literally.
________________________________________________________________
Doctor:
- Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst!
Wife:
- Oh God, will he die?
Doctor:
- No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer!
________________________________________________________________
Two friends chating. John tells his friend:
- You know, once I return home from work and I find my wife sitting on a chair dressed in transparent underwear. And she tells me: "tie me and do whatever you want". So I tied her and went fishing.
________________________________________________________________
I have found the resume of my husband from the kindergarden. Quote: the kid is very social, eats, sleeps and plays a lot. 30 years have passed since then - nothing has changed.
________________________________________________________________
The most helpful tool in housekeeping is the guilty husband.
________________________________________________________________
A man drank - forgot everything, a woman drank - reminded everything.
________________________________________________________________
My EX had one very annoying habbit - breathing.
________________________________________________________________
Man returns from
hunting, and says:
- Honey, we won't buy meat for the whole month.
- You shot an elk?
- No, I drank away all money.
________________________________________________________________
A tourist at the trip to Loh-Ness Lake, asks a guide:
- Tell me, when the monster of Lohneso appears to people?
- Usually, after five, six mugs sir...
________________________________________________________________
Peter returns home totaly drunk from vodka. Obviously his wife gets angry at him
and says:
- Well, Peter, Peter, how much did you drink...
Peter: - I'm sorry, I could't any more...
________________________________________________________________
- Honey, we won't buy meat for the whole month.
- You shot an elk?
- No, I drank away all money.
________________________________________________________________
A tourist at the trip to Loh-Ness Lake, asks a guide:
- Tell me, when the monster of Lohneso appears to people?
- Usually, after five, six mugs sir...
________________________________________________________________
Peter returns home totaly drunk from vodka. Obviously his wife gets angry at him
and says:
- Well, Peter, Peter, how much did you drink...
Peter: - I'm sorry, I could't any more...
________________________________________________________________
Three men die and come to the gate. St. Peter says:
-From now on all men will travel to paradise, and let them in. St. Peter comes to the first and asks how many times he was unfaithful? First men estimates about 20 times. St. Peter says: - Here is you an old car to ride in the paradise.
Asks the second:
-How many times you were unfaithful? Second response: -10 times.
St.Peter gives him the Mersedes to ride in the paradise. Comes to the third one and
asks: -Well and how many times you were unfaithful. Men responses: -Mr. Peter,
I loved my wife very much and I was faithful to her all my life. St. Peter does
not believe, looks seriously at his book and notice that man doesn't lie. So for
his loyalty he gives him Jaguar to ride on the sky.
After some time St. Peter mets the third man with the Jaguar, who looks all upset and unhappy. -What happened to you, you have Jaguar, why you look so upset?, ask ST. Peter. The man response: -You see, after half a year I met my wife, you know I do ride with the Jaguar, while she only with roller skating...
________________________________________________________________
An old man meets a lady in the sanatorium and tells her:
- I'm the representative of oldest profession. I Sleep for money.
- ??
- I am a guard...
________________________________________________________________
Wife says to her
husband:
- What a beautiful couple is our neighbors: he constantly hugs, kisses her, says nice words. Why don't you behave like him?
- Why don't I? I do not know her.
________________________________________________________________
- What a beautiful couple is our neighbors: he constantly hugs, kisses her, says nice words. Why don't you behave like him?
- Why don't I? I do not know her.
________________________________________________________________
My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I
did - the middle one.
________________________________________________________________
Wife:
- I wish I was a newspaper - so I would be in your hands all day long.
Husband:
- I also wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day.
________________________________________________________________
A wife asks her husband:
- Did you have any girlfriends before you married me?
The husband sits silently.
His wife asks again:
- What is this silence supposed to mean?
Husband answers:
- Wait.. I’m counting...
__________________________________________________________________
Man goes down the street and sees hanging leaflet on the top of the pole. Man
walks around, but could not read what is written there. Somehow he gets to the
top and reads: "Caution - Painted".
__________________________________________________________________
If you were betrayed by your love, you shouldn't raise a row for your wife.
__________________________________________________________________
A husband returns home at night. Opens the door and in front of him his wife is standing with the frying pan in her hands.
Husband: "You better go to sleep, Lucy, I'm not hungry!
__________________________________________________________________
Can a man make love with one hundred ladies in one night? Yes, if it’s a Polar
night.
__________________________________________________________________
Nowadays ladies think how to feed babies, and men – where did the mammoths go.
__________________________________________________________________
Real man would always lead their wife to a train. To make sure that she left.
__________________________________________________________________
Two man talking:
- Have you heard, John has married a widow?
- I would never want to be the second husband for a widow.
- Would you prefer to be the first one?
__________________________________________________________________
Do you know what is the difference between a man and a Minister? A man never
knows who is substituting him.
__________________________________________________________________
Husband to his wife in the morning:
- Darling, yesterday evening in one hour I have repaired the roof of our house and the car.
- Really, I thought Viagra has a different effect.
__________________________________________
Funny jokes about women
- I’m leaving
you... You’re constantly sneering at my overweight...
- But honey, what about our kid?
- What kid?
- So you are not you pregnant?!
____________________________________________________________
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
Answer: a widow.
____________________________________________________________
75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
___________________________________________________________
Strange thing about women's brain, there's nothing right in left side, and nothing left on the right side
____________________________________________________________
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say "Will", "You" and "Me". That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.
____________________________________________________________
Don't you ever try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
____________________________________________________________
Wives can be only one of three kinds:
1. Pretty, but unloyal.
2. Loyal, but ugly.
3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable.
________________________________________________________________
I am very talented: I can open the wardrobe, put my clothes inside and close the
doors before they start falling out.
________________________________________________________________
I'm too pretty to work!
________________________________________________________________
- But honey, what about our kid?
- What kid?
- So you are not you pregnant?!
____________________________________________________________
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
Answer: a widow.
____________________________________________________________
75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
___________________________________________________________
Strange thing about women's brain, there's nothing right in left side, and nothing left on the right side
____________________________________________________________
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say "Will", "You" and "Me". That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.
____________________________________________________________
Don't you ever try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
____________________________________________________________
Wives can be only one of three kinds:
1. Pretty, but unloyal.
2. Loyal, but ugly.
3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable.
________________________________________________________________
I am very talented: I can open the wardrobe, put my clothes inside and close the
doors before they start falling out.
________________________________________________________________
I'm too pretty to work!
________________________________________________________________
I tried being normal once... It was the worst
10 minutes of my entire life.
________________________________________________________________
If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.
________________________________________________________________
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says:
- Why did you have to bring a pig in with you?
The lady answers:
- Excuse me, I think this is a goose.
And the bartender says:
- Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.
________________________________________________________________
The girl went to gynecologist. Undressed, opened her legs. The doctor says: -
Above! The girl picked up the legs above. The doctor says: - Above! Girl picked
up even higher. The doctor already screaming: - Above! Girl: - Well where I can
higher? I can't anymore! Physician - Gynecologist office upstairs! Here is
hairdresser!
________________________________________________________________
The man tells his friend:
- My wife wants me to take her to
some luxurious place. I think I could take her to petrol station for gasoline...
________________________________________________________________
Man writes an sms for a woman:
- And how are you in bed?
Receives an answer:
- I am ok ... fit in.
________________________________________________________________
- What are you doing?
- I'm walking.
- But it's dark!
- I'm not afraid.
- Very brave?
- No... Very ugly.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.
________________________________________________________________
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says:
- Why did you have to bring a pig in with you?
The lady answers:
- Excuse me, I think this is a goose.
And the bartender says:
- Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.
________________________________________________________________
The girl went to gynecologist. Undressed, opened her legs. The doctor says: -
Above! The girl picked up the legs above. The doctor says: - Above! Girl picked
up even higher. The doctor already screaming: - Above! Girl: - Well where I can
higher? I can't anymore! Physician - Gynecologist office upstairs! Here is
hairdresser!
________________________________________________________________
The man tells his friend:
- My wife wants me to take her to
some luxurious place. I think I could take her to petrol station for gasoline...
________________________________________________________________
Man writes an sms for a woman:
- And how are you in bed?
Receives an answer:
- I am ok ... fit in.
________________________________________________________________
- What are you doing?
- I'm walking.
- But it's dark!
- I'm not afraid.
- Very brave?
- No... Very ugly.
________________________________________________________________
Wife: I hate
that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book "How to Cook"!
________________________________________________________________ A wife and a husband sit in the room and enjoys a bottle of wine. Suddenly the
wife says:
- I love you.
Husband asks in surprise:
- Is that you or wine talking?
- This is me, I'm talking to wine.
________________________________________________________________
Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book "How to Cook"!
________________________________________________________________ A wife and a husband sit in the room and enjoys a bottle of wine. Suddenly the
wife says:
- I love you.
Husband asks in surprise:
- Is that you or wine talking?
- This is me, I'm talking to wine.
________________________________________________________________
Why married women are more fat than single ones? Single women return home, take a look what's inside the fridge and go to bed. Married women return home, take a look who's in bed and turns to fridge.
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Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From
under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
-Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.
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The will of woman is an order, the will of man - a criminal code.
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