Showing posts with label eyes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eyes. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 12, 2013



Riddles


Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.
Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?
A: He wanted to save time.
Q: What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?
A: A clock.
Q: What has a neck, but no head?
A: A bottle.
Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: On the bottom.
Q: Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?
A: Ohio.
Q: "There were some twins. One was twenty, the other was twenty 2. One married the other. How can be this ?"
A: "One was twenty, the other twenty too. One was a priest so he married the other"
PS: These sentences must be asked orally .Pronunciation is important. (too = 2)
Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
A: C-A-T.
This one should be spoken.
Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt)
Q: How many people are buried in that cemetery?
A: All of them.

Q: What can't be used until it's broken?
A: An egg.
Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.
Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper
Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Submitted by MR Engelsman
Q: How do you know when a motorcycle policeman is happy?
A: He has bugs on his teeth!
Q: What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
(The 8 looks like a 0 with a belt around its waist.)
Q: What did number 1 say to 7?
A: Nice hair
In the alphabet...
Q: Which is the most self-centered letter of the alphabet?
A: "i" (I)
Q: Which letter is always trying to find reasons?
"y" (Why?")

Q: Which letter is not me?
A: U.
Q: What letter can do the work in one day that you can do in two days?
A: W (Double u- Double you)
Q: Why don't we need a compass at the North Pole?
A: Because every direction is south.

Q: Why is the A like a flower?
A: Because the B is after it.
Why is the letter "A" like noon?
Because it's in the middle of the day.
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"
A: "The C"
Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?"
A: "The Q. (queue)
Q: What has two heads, four eyes, six legs and a tail?
A: A horse and its rider.
Q: What is as big as a horse but doesn't weigh anything?
A: The horse's shadow.
Q. Why was the hearse horse hoarse?
A. Because of the coffin
Q: Why are man with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
Q: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.
Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk there.
Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common?
A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.
I tried this one with Japanese university students. They understood all the words and enjoyed it.
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.
Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.
A: A mushroom.
Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel
Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?
A: His horse's name is Tuesday.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
Q: A father and his son were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in and said: I can't do surgery on him, because he's my son. Who was the doctor?
A: The doctor was his mother.
It's an old riddle that is more difficult in some countries than in others.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Beacuse it saw the salad dressing!

Q: What are the two strongest days of the week?
A: They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
Q: How far can a dog run into the forest?
A: Halfway, after that he is running out of the forest.
Q: What do you call a bear without an "ear"?
A: BBBBBBB
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
A: How many apples can you eat if your stomach is empty?
B: 4 or 5
A: No, that's wrong, because after eating one apple your stomach isn't empty.
If you are doing a discussion about space, then students will like this one.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: To find Pluto.

Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma.
(It needs to be spoken to understand it.)
Q: What do you call a Spaniard who can't find his car?
A: Carlos
It's pronounced "carless" (meaning without a car)
Q: What's the difference between electricity and lightening?
A: You don't have to pay for lightening.
This riddle may be used when teaching a lesson on occupations.
Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ?
A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.

Q: What part of your body disappears when you stand up?
A: Your lap. (good for phrasal 'stand up', and 'laptop', lap-dog, etc.)
Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.
Q: Why did the trafic signal turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Q: What's the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day?
A: One's roaring with pain the other's pouring with rain
Q: Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
A: There is a fan in every seat.
My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.
(Hint: No "eye" = No "i")
Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
A: Selfish.

Q: Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
A: Because the teacher was Hayden.
(Hayden --> Hidin' --> Hiding)
Q. What's a minimum?
A. A very small mother!
(mini-mom)
Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired (too tired)
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.
Q: What's got a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
Q: What's got a wave but no sea?
A: My hair.

Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.
Q: Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
A: Wherever he wants to.
What makes "oom" and gives milk?
A cow walking backwards.
Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?
A: Ouch!
Q: Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
A: The Vampire State building.
Q: What do cows like to read?
A: The mooooospaper
Q: What is the longest word?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.

Re-worded by another teacher.
Q: What's the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (Because there's a mile between the first and the last letter.)
A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
B: "Wrong".
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short
A: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
B; Rubber-band -- because it streches.
Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
 
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...
Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?
A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!
Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.
Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because it was a little horse. (hoarse)
Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin' (coffin)
Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: How do porcupines kiss each other?
A: Very carefully.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: What has teeth but can't bite?
A: A Comb.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because the chicken was on vacation.
Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide!

A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?
A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.
Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
A: He was a little more on.
Q: Name one eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.
A: "Inkstand", "in" is at the beginning, "kst" is in the middle, and "and" is at the end.
Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.
Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: "That's the end of me!"
Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?
A: To a horsepital.
Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?
A: Tell him I can't see him today.

Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?
A: Columbus!
Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: fsh (No letter "i", so no i's.)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea. (No eye deer)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no idea.
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooovies!
Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?
A: A dead horse!
A: What is the difference between a mail box and an elephant?
B: I don't know.
A: I'm not going to give you any letters to post then!

Q: What do you call 'a fly' without wings?
A: You call it 'a walk.'
I saw this on a web-site of musician jokes. It's not original, but I thought I would share it. Here it is:
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

Q: What color is a guitar string?
A: Plink!
(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color "pink.")
What goes "ZUB, ZUB"?
A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)
(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.
Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?
A: You are the light of my life.
Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Saturday round of golf?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
Q: What flowers have two lips?
A: Tulips
Q: They travel all over the world but end up in the corner, what are they?
A: Stamps

Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There's no use crying over split milk.

Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.

Q: What is a bachelor?
A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
This one may be difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words "seagul", "bay" and "bagel"
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an English textbook?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
(Use as an example of the insult variety of jokes.)
Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?
A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?
A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!
Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.
Q: What's the most colorful state of U.S.A.?
A: Color-ado.

Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
A: Expennsylvania.
Q: What did the cannibal who was late for dinner get?
A: The cold shoulder.
A Christmas time joke for grammar classes:
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including "y" ?
A: Unquestionablely!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

Vocabulary Quiz:
Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
Information Quiz:
Q: What is the tallest building in our town?
A: The library. (It has the most stories.)

Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
A: European.  (You're a-peein'.)

This riddle may be good for high-level science majors.
Q: What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A: A graduated cylinder

Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swallowed by a fish?
A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Maybe only appropriate for more mature students.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!

Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?
A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick! 
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

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Thursday, February 28, 2013



I'm A Senior Citizen

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

AAADD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated  Attention Deficit Disorder.  
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on  the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out  the trash first.    
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I  take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.    
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.    
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk  where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.    
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.    
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put  it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.    
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on  the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.    
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading  glasses that I've been searching for all morning.    
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going  to water the flowers.    
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container  with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.    
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be  looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on  the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where  it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.    
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on  the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels  and wipe up the spill.    
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was  planning to do.    
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't  paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the  flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my  checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.    
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.    
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some  help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.    
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

You Know You're Old...

1.  ...When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
2.  ...When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
3.  ...When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
4.  ...When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
5.  ...When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
6.  ...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
7.  ...When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
8.  ...You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
9.  ...You and your teeth don't sleep together.
10.                    ...Your back goes out, but you stay home.
11.                    ...You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
12.                    ...It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
13.                    ...Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
14.                    ...Happy hour is a nap.
15.                    ...When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
16.                    ...Your idea of weight lifting is standing up
17.                    ...It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
...Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
18.                    ...The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
19.                    ...It takes twice as long to look half as good.
20.                    ...The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
21.                    ...You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
22.                    ...You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
23.                    ...You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
24.                    ...You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
25.                    ...You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
26.                    ...You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
27.                    ...You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
28.                    ...You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
29.                    ...Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
30.                    ...Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
31.                    ...You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
32.                    ...Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
33.                    ...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
34.                    ...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
35.                    ...If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
36.                    ...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
37.                    ...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
38.                    ...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
39.                    ...Your eyes won't get much worse.
40.                    ...Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
41.                    ...Things you buy now won't wear out.
42.                    ...No one expects you to run into a burning building.
43.                    ...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
44.                    ...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
45.                    ...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
46.                    ...You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
47.                    ...You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
48.                    ...Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
49.                    ...You start video taping daytime game shows.
50.                    ...You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
51.                    ...At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
52.                    ...Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
53.                    ...Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
54.                    ...It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
55.                    ...You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
56.                    ...You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
57.                    ...You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
58.                    ...You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
59.                    ...You look both ways before crossing a room.
60.                    ...You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
61.                    ...You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
62.                    ...You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
63.                    ...Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
64.                    ...Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
65.                    ...The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
66.                    ...All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
67.                    ...The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
68.                    ...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
69.                    ...Your back goes out more than you do.
70.                    ...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
71.                    ...You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
72.                    ...You are proud of your lawn mower.
73.                    ...Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
74.                    ...Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
75.                    ...You sing along with the elevator music.
76.                    ...You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
77.                    ...You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
78.                    ...You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
79.                    ...You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
80.                    ...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
81.                    ...Neighbors borrow your tools.
82.                    ...People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
83.                    ...You have a dream about prunes.
84.                    ...You send money to PBS.
85.                    ...The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
86.                    ...You take a metal detector to the beach.
87.                    ...You wear black socks with sandals.
88.                    ...You know what the word "equity" means.
89.                    ...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
90.                    ...Your ears are hairier than your head.
91.                    ...You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
92.                    ...You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
93.                    ...You got cable for the weather channel.
94.                    ...You can go bowling without drinking.
95.                    ...You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
96.                    ...Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
97.                    ...You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
98.                    ...Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
99.                    ...Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
100.               ...Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
101.               ...You look forward to a dull evening.
102.               ...Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
103.               ...You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
104.               ...You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
105.               ...You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
106.               ...You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
107.               ...You don't remember being absent minded.
108.               ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
109.               ...Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
110.               ...Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

Smithsonian Institute, Paleoanthropology Letter of Rejection

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
16-July-1998
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
1 - The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2 - Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Best Letter Of Complaint Ever

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat ass waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your Internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.
BT - wankers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services, which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.

These are allegedly answers that were actually given in G.C.S.E (UK) school exams

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Dumb Crooks

A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough.
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store and called the police.
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside a Myrtle Beach restaurant where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section listing a father's details:

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was, as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he wore a Royal Green Jacket.
Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Questions asked on the show 'Family Fortunes', and the contestants' replies... enjoy.

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous cowboy
A. Buck Rogers
Q. Name a number you have to memorize
A. 7
Q. Name something you do before going to bed
A. Sleep
Q. Name something you put on walls
A. Roofs
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman

Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name another famous Scotsman
A. Vinnie Jones (English Footballer... not so famous)
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. A job a working dog does
A. Slave
Q. A type of large cat
A. Persian
Q. A type of record
A. Floppy disc
[To a contestant who was a SOUP salesman]
Q. A food that can be easily eaten without chewing
A. Er, chips?
Q. Something you beat
A. An apple
Q. Something slippery
A. A con-man
Q. A form of transport you can walk around in
A. My foot
Q. A method of securing your home
A. Put the kettle on
Q. Something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. An animal beginning with the letter B
A. Bullfrog
Q. The last thing you take off before going to bed
A. Your feet
Q. Something that makes you scream
A. A squirrel
Q. Something with a red light on it
A. A Dalek [monster in Brit sci-fi series Dr. Who]
Q. Something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels.

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