Showing posts with label engine. Show all posts

Friday, May 24, 2013

LETS GO FISHING TODAY

Safe to swim here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Want to be healed?

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Catching the bear

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

We go bear hunting

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

Need fishing licenses

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishing license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

Hunting with a wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

I have a question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing'."

I marked the spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Go on a hiking trip

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Write for mail order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Two men camping

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

Fish cost a fortune

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Dropped your wallet

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Flying in the plane

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

Did you see that?

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Catching many fish

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

Fishermen killed

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Jokes about Managers

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Failing organizations are usually over-managed and under-led.

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

By three measures a manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his office.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.

Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire.

My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense enough to do without my persuading them.

Harry S. Truman

Management Revisited

The first myth of management is that it exists.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

"I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"

Math Jokes

How they prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime?

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
Casino Card Counters: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, but I'll take a 21 over any of them.

There are three kinds of mathematicians:
those who can count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world:
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?
Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"

The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.
Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi

10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) pi ~= 3.14 while e ~=2.718281828459045.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi^1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e^1) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.

Top ten reasons why e is inferior to pi

10) e is less challenging to spell than pi.
9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized.
8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard. But is special (it's under "special symbols" in word processor programs.)
7) Pi is the bigger piece of pie.
6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition of pi and the infinite series are much harder.
5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when you're in pre-calculus. But pi, even after five or six years it's still hard to know what it really is.
4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma). There is no confusion with the one and only .
3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself.
2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number".
1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced Oiler.

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!" All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"

What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.

"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!"

To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"

The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned,"In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep,at least one side of which is black. g:plusone:size="medium" data-pin-config=beside data-pin-log="button_pinit"' border=0 v:shapes="_x0000_i1051">

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."

The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."

The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"

An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a streetcafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After awhile they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The firechief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.

The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

A mathematician is in Africa trying to capture a lion. When he spots one he proceeds to build a fence around himself and says, "I define this to be outside!"

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent imagination.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"

HOW TO PROVE IT

proof by example:

The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

proof by intimidation:

"trivial."

proof by vigorous handwaving:

Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.

proof by cumbersome notation:

Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.

proof by exhaustion:

An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

proof by omission:

"The reader may easily supply the details"
"The other 253 cases are analogous"
"..."

proof by obfuscation:

A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.

proof by wishful citation:

The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

proof by funding:

How could three different government agencies be wrong?

proof by eminent authority:

"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete."

proof by personal communication:

"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication]."

proof by reduction to the wrong problem:

"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."

proof by reference to inaccessible literature:

The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.

proof by importance:

A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.

proof by accumulated evidence:

Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

proof by cosmology:

The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

proof by mutual reference:

In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.

proof by metaproof:

A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.

proof by picture:

A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission.

proof by vehement assertion:

It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.

proof by ghost reference:

Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.

proof by forward reference:

Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

proof by semantic shift:

Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.

proof by appeal to intuition:

Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.

"I'm a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof."

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you are from New York City?' ...So I stabbed him."

There was a logician who saw a sign on his way to fish that read, "All the worms you want for $1.00." He stopped his car and ordered $2.00 worth.

The book Dynamic Programming by Richard Bellman is an important, pioneering work in which a group of problems is collected together at the end of some chapters under the heading "Exercises and Research Problems," with extremely trivial questions appearing in the midst of deep, unsolved problems. It is rumoured that someone once asked Dr. Bellman how to tell the exercises apart from the research problems, and he replied: "If you can solve it, it is an exercise; otherwise it's a research problem."

Told by Donald E. Knuth in his book "The Art of Computer Programming"

A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems. g:plusone:size="medium" data-pin-config=beside data-pin-log="button_pinit"' border=0 v:shapes="_x0000_i1069">

A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether a circle is round.
In a paper of Erdös
Written in Kurdish
A counter example is found.

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

After Receiving an Invitation to a Mathematicians' Ball:

Augustin Louis Cauchy said he surely will managed to integrate well with everyone.

David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.

Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"

John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.

Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.

Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"

Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.

Pick-Up Lines to use on Mathematics Chicks

You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.

The Dictionary: what mathematics professors say and what they mean by it

Clearly: I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.
trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.
Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.
Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
Proof omitted: trust me, It's true.

Mathematics Revisited

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.

What keeps a square from moving? Square roots, of course.

The law of the excluded middle either rules or does not rule.

In the topological hell the beer is packed in Klein's bottles.

To a mathematician, real life is a special case.

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discrete.

In modern mathematics, algebra has become so important that numbers will soon only have symbolic meaning.

Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.

How mathematicians do it...

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in a field.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Möbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.

You Might Be a Mathematician if...

you are fascinated by the equation .
you know by heart the first fifty digits of .
you have tried to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.
you know ten ways to prove Pythagoras' Theorem.
your telephone number is the sum of two prime numbers.
you have calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
when you say to a car dealer "I'll take the red car or the blue one" you must add "but not both of them."

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
None. The answer is intuitively obvious.
One. He gives it to four programmers, thereby simplifying the problem to a previous question

How many numerical analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

3.9967 (after six iterations).

How many mathematical logicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that it can be done.

How many classical geometers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.

How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.

So what did the standard deviation say to the data set?

You're mean

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven ate nine.

How do pirates calculate statistics?

They use R.

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you here what happened the square?

It got kicked on its rhombus

mathematicians are so conservative that the only radical thing they'll do it a sqare root.

Merchants Jokes

A merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: "When you charge a customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma -- should you tell your partner?"

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for some. "Sorry love", said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday".

So she goes on up the street to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"

Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS.

Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop...it read MAIN ENTRANCE.

A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

How merchants do it...

Merchants do it to customers.
Merchants do it in gift wraps.

A guy goes into a store but the prices are too high as he is about to leave the merchant questions him as to why he is leaving. "The prices are too high" "Well" the merchant says, "you should come back next week we are having a fire sale". The patron says, "What do you mean you are have a fire sale next week?" The merchant says, "Shhh"

Funny side of the world

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